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“A Part of Me”
We met in college then got married right after we graduated. Two years later, we welcomed our beautiful daughter. Now she’s 11. Life seems to be good. But what my wife doesn’t know is that I’m bisexual. This isn’t something I think about all the time, but it’s a part of me. I’m equally attracted to men and women, and chose to live a heterosexual life. I’ve been happy with my family and I couldn’t ask for anything more. But every now and then I feel the urge to explore that other side of me. I have never cheated on my wife. But there was one time when I almost did.
I travel for work. Sometimes for a week at a time every month. While on a trip, my co-workers decided to go to a strip club on a Thursday night. I was too tired to go, I said. But that night I decided to go to a gay bar in town that’s about 5 miles away from the strip club. All I wanted was to get a drink or two. It had been years since I stepped into a gay bar. The previous time was when I was still in college before my wife and I started dating.
And so I sat at the bar having a beer. The gay bar wasn’t packed at all at 10:30 pm. The bartender said Thursday nights weren’t usually that busy.
A guy sat down beside me and ordered some cocktail. Saw him looking at me at the mirror facing us. He said hi and I saw hi back. After minutes of talking he said he wanted to “get out of here.” I paid my tab and walked out with him. He didn’t drive to the bar because he lived just a couple of blocks away. He asked me if I wanted to continue our conversation at his place. I told him “I better not.” But he finally convinced me to go. I offered to drive since I didn’t want to leave my car there. When we got to his house, I parked right on the street. “Why don’t you park on the driveway?” I needed a fast get-away, just in case, so I said the street was fine.
I followed him to his door. He tried to hold my hand but I pulled back. Once we got in, we were greeted by his dog, a golden retriever. It reminded me of my dog when I was a kid. He took the dog into the bedroom so both he and I could have some time alone in the living room. We sat on the couch. We were silent for a while as if we ran out of things to talk about. I ran out of things to talk about, and I was nervous. I shouldn’t be here, I thought. “Do you want a beer?” I said no, thanks. He got up and got himself a beer. Sat back down beside me and started to play with my hair. It felt really good. He leaned over and kissed me on the lips. I pulled back. He pulled me towards him.
“This is a mistake. I shouldn’t be here. I’m married and I love my wife,” I told him.
He said he didn’t care about all that. I got up, thanked him, and walked out the door. I have to admit that I almost decided to walk back to the house, but I kept walking to my car. I just couldn’t do it, even though I wanted to. Drove back to my hotel and pretended it never happened.
Every now and then I think about that night. Maybe someday I’ll give in and do something about it.